chase this light with me

17th March 2012

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Here goes some therapy..

Since my last post -

New Jobs - 1

Quit Jobs - (so far) 0

New friends - 0

Moments of true happiness - maybe 5?

Drunken nights - 4.. this number clearly needs to advance.

Gyms joined - 0

Pole dancing classes started - 1

Concerts - 0

I just watched “I Don’t Know How She Does It” (I don’t recommend it, and I’m not a SJP fan)… I don’t know if that movie was supposed to make me feel like a failure for not having kids or what? Did a career-minded mother write it? I don’t get the point.. just another thing to feel unaccomplished over.

I tried to take up smoking again, but it’s just not happening for me.  So I’ll stick with drinking I think, in fact it’s prolly time now for that bottle of wine in the fridge..

I couldn’t kick my addiction or bad habit or whatever it is to J either. I tried. And we didn’t speak for weeks. But as per usual, the attention was just what I needed it would seem. and now there’s just the usual next-day silence from his end.

I wish I could go home. I miss my family. So much. and my friends.  and my home.

I need to..

19th February 2012

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You need me, man, I don’t need you

How fricking cool is Ed Sheeran? When he raps, he reminds me of John Butler’s style (love!)

The thought occurred to me last night - can PEOPLE be habits? or Addictions?
I’ve always joked that I don’t have it in me to have an addiction (the one exception is perhaps my craving of deep fried food :P).

But I’ve tried the cigarettes (can never seem to have more than one in any given day), alcohol, casino, shopping… nothing sticks.  I mean, I suppose I lack a bit of motivation, but I don’t know if that is a bad habit as such like ‘procrastination’ is..

Anyway, the point of this all was.. I was overwhelmed last night, while pursuing drunkeness, and thought “I need to give you up” regarding J. I hadn’t thought of it before. But perhaps our relationship had become a habit for me, or even a coping mechanism over the past 5 years.  Is that even possible?  There are cues I feel that bring on me talking to him, needing him, and they occur, alot.  Even waking up, I feel “I need to text him”.  The romantic me assumes it’s ‘love’.. but surely love is different.  (although smart little drunk me decided last night was the perfect time to declare my past ‘love’, to which I got no response, as per f-ing usual).

So after this realisation (while sober) of “needing to give him up”, perhaps he is a habit and I just alot of the time, try to repress the urges to speak, feel, want him. A very very bad habit.

“A key factor in distinguishing a bad habit from an addiction or mental disease is the element of willpower. If a person still seems to have control over the behavior then it is just a habit.  Good intentions are able to override the negative effect of bad habits but their effect seems to be independent and additive—the bad habits remain but are subdued rather than cancelled^.”

Willpower - perhaps that is what is lacking and stopping me from moving on.  I keep on living in the past, either repressing or regretting what happened. It can’t be healthy.

Good intention eh? Must try some of that.

“There are many techniques for removing bad habits once they have become established. One example is withdrawal of reinforcers—identifying and removing the factors which trigger the habit and encourage its persistence. The basal ganglia appears to remember the context that triggers a habit, meaning they can be revived if triggers reappear.”

So perhaps, to properly get over these feelings and regrets and repeatitive destructive behaviours that are related to him and our past, I need to withdraw from him properly? We’ll see how easy that is.. although after last nights message, I doubt he will be attempting to contact me anytime soon.. and I must MUST must resist the urge to contact him to apologise for saying how I felt. HAVE SOME SELF CONTROL WOMAN!!

I’m breaking the habit.

18th February 2012

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A little bit in love with you…

So I’ve been told to start journalling my thoughts, like I did when I was younger.. although I’m 24 now, I can’t help still having that fear of any diary I keep being found and read by my mother lol.  So perhaps in one way blogging is a better idea.  Although, privacy is never 100% guaranteed from those closest to you. Although, I suppose in theory we’re not supposed to keep anything from our nearest and dearest. oh well.

so whether anyone reads this or not.. for therapy’s sake.

Lykke Li is my obsession this week. Her latest album is incredible. she’s amazing.

I don’t know what it is about her specifically… her relatable lyrics? her folky beautiful voice? her careless abandon on her latest film clip, that you can feel in her music and that makes you want to dance? either way. Love her and can’t turn it off.

Which works well. Noone’s home all day but myself anyway, and our puppy.  She’s 10.5 weeks young. And getting bigger everyday I swear, right before my eyes.

I dressed her up as an angel for Valentine’s Day, naughty I know, but so freakin cute. Seeing as .she won’t be a puppy forever’.

I need to get out of the house. It’s damn hard being in a new city, new state, with no friends or family or knowing anyone. Hopefully this job comes through on Monday though and it’s beneficial. sigh.

Wonder if feeling this way about everything is what causes me to feel old feelings of unrequited love etc. just my mind playing tricks on me from the lonliness. Sure.

— Sadness is a blessing

Sadness is a curse

Sadness is my boyfriend

Sadness I’m your girl.

Tagged: lykke li